By Kathryn Eisman. RESCU’s Love and Dating Expert.

Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole are said to be getting back together. She says she has forgiven his infidelities. Rescu’s relationship expert Kathryn Eisman answers the question, is there a way back after a betrayal in a relationship?

The reason infidelity cuts so deeply is because it shatters our allusions of our partner, rocking the foundation on which our relationship is built and forcing us to examine the ideals which we had blissfully taken for granted, i.e. that he isn’t sleeping with the first tipsy blonde he meets at a bar!

So when a partner cheats no matter how grand the reconciliation, how sparkly the pink diamond “sorry” ring, I believe there is no going back. But, there is a way forward. Eventually. 

Prior to his indiscretions, when Cheryl Cole was asked what she loved most about her football playing husband Ashley, you can bet she thought of his sense of humor, his good looks, his fame and money well before she even considered his fidelity. The luxury of taking fidelity for granted is the foundation upon which all of a partners other attributes can be celebrated. Once that foundation is destroyed, everything else comes crashing down like a house of cards.

As a writer, when I question something I tend to also examine it from a linguistic perspective; oddly there is no verb for fidelity, there is no “doing word” for something that implies the ‘not’ doing of something. In this case, “having sex again with his mates piled into the room” Or “managed to get going again and tried several positions” before "Eventually he finished and collapsed on to my chest. He was panting and clearly had a good time”, as charmingly described by one of his conquests.

In life, as in language, we rarely emphasise or reward the “not” doing of anything, and yet in a world filled with temptation and distractions it’s often in abstinence where merit lays, where champions are made. 

We don’t congratulate surgeons for “not” killing their patient on the operating table, or athlete for “not” taking steroids before a race. We’re  a society built on recognising what we do, not what we don’t do. We assume certain things come with the territory.

Intellectually we know that a percentage of married men cheat, but emotionally we don’t think that those husbands are married to us! 

So when we discover that this core assumption has not been met, it undermines the foundation upon which the entire relationship is built. Killing the relationship in two ways; 
1) The death of trust and peace of mind. 
2) The death of your allusion of the man you loved.  

Surprisingly, the latter is often the hardest to recover from because when a man cheats on you, he forever muddies the pure way you once saw him.  Even if you forgive him, even if you can move on from the infidelity, even if it eventually makes your relationship stronger, he has deprived you of the greatest feeling in the world, loving someone with a pure heart.

However if you just can’t say good bye, here are my steps for moving forward:
Stop trying to ‘go back’, there is no ‘unknowing’ of things. The facts are the facts and accept that you will both have to live with them.

Before you have an honest discussion with him, have one with yourself. Do you want him back because you love him, or are you afraid of being on your own? Do you think he’s capable of staying faithful and giving you what you need? Will you be able to forgive him eventually or do you just want to punish him? How much do you really want to know? How many details can you really live with or without?

When you have cooled off, sit down and have a dialog with him. It’s normal to go from sadness to despair to denial to anger in a matter of minutes. Find out what you need to find out and hear what you need to hear.

Separate for a time. No matter how much you feel you cant live without him, I believe that time apart to allow both of you to cooly reflect on the situation is essential. 

Set some rules for returning into the relationship if that is what you truly, truly want. Do you honestly believe he can meet your needs? If so set some ground rules and stick to them no matter what. At the end of the day you may not be able to respect him, but you’re responsible for whether or not you respect yourself.

Don’t expect it to be smooth sailing, you will want to punish him for days, weeks even years to come. This is normal but if you find yourself so consumed with resentment, ask yourself if rebuilding the relationship is something you are even capable of doing. It’s OK if it’s not.

If you truly believe that there is a future, discipline yourself and stop the retribution. If he is honestly changing his ways, constantly reminding him of his past sins will only hurt your relationship and you.

Don’t expect a miracle. Trust takes one person seconds to break but two people years to rebuild, but it can be done if both partners are ready to do it together.

Image Credit: Zimbio

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