By Kathryn Eisman. RESCU’s Love and Dating Expert.

When a husband and wife stand before their family and friends and vow to “love and cherish” each other in “sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, till death do us part”, it’s hard to find a dry eye in the house. In that moment we all believe that their love will burn eternal, there is total love and utter faith. However with divorce rates close to 50%, we all now know that we need more than love and faith to maintain a happy, loving successful marriage…and not end in divorce court.

So what are the secret ingredients to “happily forever after?” beyond simply vowing to love that person. Relationship expert David Sunshine studied the subject for years and has come to these simple but life altering 10 points.

1. Don’t “Flirt” with Disaster. It’s important to have both male and female friendships, but always ensure that those close relationships don’t blur the line from platonic to intimate. After being with the same person for a while, it’s natural to seek attention and validation from the opposite sex, but be mindful of not flirting with them (or disaster). “If you do, in the back of your mind, you might begin to view them as alternatives in the event that your marriage doesn’t work out. This will weaken your resolve. After all, why work so hard when you have an escape route? Also, these types of close relationships are likely to make your spouse feel threatened,” explains David.

2. Pay Full Attention.  One of the most common causes for relationship breakdown is poor communication, and not feeling “heard”. David suggests, “Listen to your spouse when he or she talks to you. It’s a sign of respect. Try to give him or her your undivided attention. Also, nod in agreement occasionally—it tells your partner you’re listening. If your spouse talks to you when you’re in the middle of something important, say so, and suggest a time when you’ll be able to pay full attention.”

3. Have Common “Fun Activities”. It’s easy for even the hottest marriage to cool off if all you do is come home from work and sit next to each other in front of the TV! Instead find activities that challenge and excite both of you and do it together. “Exercise together, take leisurely walks, or share a pursuit that’s mutually enjoyable. Such activities strengthen your relationship and make it easier for the two of you to endure the hard times that come in every marriage”.

4. Don’t Keep on Repeating the Same Mistakes.  If touching a hot saucer burnt your hand you’d stop doing it, well apply that simply but powerful logic to your relationship. David explains “For example, if you find that you’re often tense when you’re very hungry, minimise your conversation with your spouse during those times. Similarly, if you see that your spouse gets worked up whenever you mention the name of a certain relative, don’t mention that person’s name unless absolutely necessary. Try to learn from the past.”

5. Be Polite. Just saying “please” and “thank you” and asking nicely for things can make all the difference between your partner feeling appreciated or feeling resentful.

6. Banish the Phrase: “I Told You So.” The need to always be “right” is at the heart of many bad marriages. People make mistakes, you will make mistakes, the last thing you need is someone reminding you of this! “What they don’t realise is that the message that comes across is, “Aren’t I smarter than you?” which is insulting. When you’re proven right after an argument, your spouse will realise this on his or her own. There is no need to point it out.”

7. Don’t Keep Score. Don’t walk around with a watchful eye making sure your partner carries his or her share of the workload. Instead, take the view that it doesn’t matter if you end up doing more than half of what has to be done. Making sure your relationship stays fifty-fifty will put so much tension into your marriage that it’s not worth the effort. So unless your spouse is very lazy or a real responsibility shirker, don’t keep track of who does more.

8. Watch Out for the Little Things. A family court judge once commented that in 99 percent of the divorce cases he presided over, the couples were upset about very small matters. Here are some of the types of complaints he was referring to:

• “She never lets me leave the window open at night.”
• “He always wears that loud shirt that embarrasses me.”
• “She never replaces the toilet roll when it’s finished.”
• “He always leaves his socks on the floor.”

These small matters can be very detrimental to a relationship, so watch out for them.

There is, however, a silver lining to this cloud: Just as little things can ruin a relationship, they can also build one. A brief call to ask how your spouse’s day is going can make a big difference in his or her feelings toward you. Remembering your mate’s birthday with a little gift can mean a lot. Even just bringing your partner a chocolate bar or a novel you think he or she will enjoy can mean a great deal, because it shows you care. Women in particular often need small but frequent gestures of love.

9. Play the Puppy. It’s impossible to hate a dog that wags its tail and jumps up in excitement whenever you come home. What’s more it makes you look forward to coming home. I’m not suggesting you get on all fours, but I am saying that we have a lot to learn from dogs…namely, that a warm greeting creates warm feelings in the person being greeted! “Smile at your mate when you greet him or her. It will make your spouse feel appreciated and loved. Even if you’re in a bad mood, be sure to flash that grin. It’s a small investment that can go a long way.”

10. Respect Your Spouse’s Privacy.  Sometimes it’s tempting to do a little snooping around, even if it’s just to “clean things up”. But it’s a mistake. “Don’t go through your partner’s things. Privacy is a fundamental need all humans have, so be sure to respect it. Similarly, make it a habit not to repeat your spouse’s words to others. You never know what your mate wants kept secret.”

And there you have it 10 steps to “Happily Ever After!”

Image Credit: E Online

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