Relationship Resolutions: How To Create Your Best Relationship In 2012

1st OF January 2012

By Kathryn Eisman - RESCU’s Relationship Expert

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." – Bill Vaughan.

Over the next couple of weeks 40 to 50 percent of us will make New Year's resolutions. Many of us vow to finally loose those darn 5 kgs (most of us, I think). Some of us vow to quit smoking, to meet 'the one', to reduce spending, increase sobroiety (in a couple of weeks that is). Some of us vow to have the courage to follow our professional calling and start that business, to travel more, to internet shop less (you know who you are), and the big one...to spend more time with family. However, not nearly enough of us actually make the resolution to prioritize our marriage or relationship. And even fewer still actually sit down with the person we love (and a pen and paper, a glass of wine or a cup of coffee) and create shared goals for the year together. The exciting news for those couples who do, according to John Norcross, a psychology professor at the University of Scranton, is you are a whopping 10 times more likely to make the change compared to those who have similar goals, but didn't make a resolution. That's hope if ever i hear it! So if you want to beat the stats on divorce and be in the frighteningly small percentage of couples who would classify their relationship as "happy"...grab your partner, put on some relaxing music, pop open a bottle of champagne and toast to a year of love, communication, intimacy, great sex and adventure - by writing your "Relationship Resolutions" together.

Where Should You Start?

According to Dr. Michelle Gannon, a psychologist specializing in relationships and women's issues for over 20 years, it's as simple as following these 3 simple strategies. Just remember to have fun. this is not meant to be punishment, after all, you can add things like "naughty date nights", "foot massages" and whatever else tickles your fancy as well!

1. Start with the positives.

What do you both like and appreciate about your relationship? How can you enhance and highlight the positives? Spending time alone together is essential for your relationship health. Commit to a monthly or weekly date night. If you have children, brainstorm about childcare. Besides hiring babysitters, you may be able to trade play dates or sleepovers with family or friends. Do not be complacent. Make a commitment or resolutions to have date nights in 2010. No more excuses! If your romantic and passionate life used to be positive, but now has been neglected, pay more attention. Research by Barry McCarthy has found that if you are both happy enough with your sex life, it only accounts for 15 percent of marital satisfaction. However, if either of you is unhappy with your sex life, it can account for 85 percent of marital satisfaction. Commit to prioritizing your sex life. Set aside time for sex dates, read some fun sex self-help books together and commit to being more affectionate and passionate in 2010. When you were first together as a dating couple, you likely had new, fun and interesting experiences together. Commit to trying some new activities, hobbies or outings together in the New Year.

2. Remove the barriers.

What gets in the way of marital satisfaction? How do you handle conflict? Remember that conflict is inevitable in a marriage. Do not avoid conflict, but find productive ways to deal with differences. Are either of you guilty of using criticism, contempt, stonewalling or defensiveness? If so, how about a New Year's resolution to eliminate these hostile interactions that are predictive of divorce? Is work or technology interfering with prioritizing time together? If either of you has a hard time with the work/life balance or relies too heavily on technology, social media, TV or video games, you might take a look at this issue together. How about setting some mutual agreements? Amazingly, 70 percent of families are now reporting using phones, computers or watching TV during meal times together. How about a resolution to have technology-free meals and technology-free evenings during your weeknights? Do either of you feel taken for granted or unappreciated? Do you know how your spouse prefers to be loved? Make a New Year's resolution to show your spouse love in the way they want to be loved, rather than role model what you want!

3. Make a deeper commitment to have the best relationship possible.

Consider reading some relationship books together or taking a marriage seminar. There is a great, national directory at: Smart Marriages or check out the "Events" section on the Married Life Network. Check in weekly or monthly with each other to see how you are doing with your relationship goals. What kind of marriage do you want to have? Are you being the people you want to be and having the relationship that you really want? Make your marriage or relationship a priority. I believe the most important gift that you can give yourself and your children is the feeling of a healthy, loving marriage.

Happy New Year everyone!