Tis the season for funds to be tight.  What with parties, gifts and the rising prices of everything, sometimes you can be caught out and need to ask for help.

So how does one do that politely and with grace?

Many people associate money-borrowing with shame, dependence and failure, but it's all in the approach.

Here are Miss Manner's top tips on how to borrow money from friends and family without the difficulties.

Ask formally and at a time where everybody's likely to be clear-headed.

The request needs to be done privately, preferably in person if possible, and not on a busy or stressful day.  Email if it's likely to be better-received, but generally the politest request is person-to-person. 

That means no cornering somebody on Christmas or during a 'quiet moment' on a family reunion.

Make a special trip to see them if possible - but tell them what it's for beforehand, so they won't think you're using a social call to ask for money.

Don't loudly beat yourself up to them about how terribly you've managed your money - that won't help.

If there's any chance that either of you will be tipsy, tired or stressed, postpone to another time.  Assess this carefully on the day and if it's not the right time, bow out.

Be clear about what you need it for - and don't lie.

If you say you're borrowing money for a much-needed house payment and you're actually planning some Louboutins - don't.

It will make for a far easier, and more polite, request if you're identifying a specific need and reaching out, rather than just some vague 'money flow' issues.

It shows that you trust your lender and want to take them into your confidence - and also shows a degree of control.

Also, a general rule: if it's something you can live without, like the aforementioned Louboutins, it will be harder to get the money and is generally not worth the risk, unless they're something that you've openly dreamed about for ages and now, for reasons outside your control, cannot have.

Borrowing for needs rather than wants is always easier.

Keep emotions out of it.

This is a business request, so please be tactful and answer every question with the minimum of fuss.

Don't guilt-trip, emotionally manipulate, remind them of all the times you've helped them, or let them do any of those things to you.

If that starts to happen, pull back and reiterate, as calmly as you can, that you want this to be as professional as possible.  This is particularly difficult between families, and a little emotional involvement may just be par for the course, but assess what you think you might be able to cope with.

If it's your partner, this needs to be a very serious discussion and might lead into other prickly areas such as sharing bank accounts and whose money should be used for what, so tread very carefully.  It's fine to ask money from your partner as long as you make it clear that you're trustworthy, but if complications arise, you're going to have to deal with them together.

Keep your mind on the issue at hand rather than extraneous fights, history or emotions, and it should be OK.

Be prepared to show your finances and financial plans.

A request to see how you're planning to pay things back, or how you got into the situation in the first place, is a reasonable one.

It's not a condemnation of your financial planning skills - or, if it is, try not to treat it as such.

Anybody who decides to deliberately insult your lifestyle or financial management skills as 'payment' for lending you money is not a worthwhile lender, and it's not going to be a happy financial relationship, so avoid this.

Equally, don't get insulted by constructive criticism.  If they're offering good advice on how to avoid these pitfalls, or gently point out what you already know about living within your means, acknowledge and respect the advice.

It can be difficult to see good financial advice and worthwhile intentions in these situations, but try to keep an open mind and be humble.

If they want to bring in a professional to help, accept.

Taking the matter to a bank or an accountant may seem to you to be a drastic or humiliating step, or an insult to your trustworthiness, but it's possibly the best idea.

Keeping things above board and professional is always easier with another impartial party involved.

Besides, that way nobody can be accused of trying to do anything untoward.  Don't suggest it yourself unless you have good reason, but do agree with the suggestion.

Propose a strict repayment schedule and stick to it.

This is your obligation, and is the greatest courtesy you can do for your lender.

Be upfront immediately about when you expect, realistically, to be able to repay the loan, and be prepared to discuss interest.

Have set dates and a stringent repaying scheme, and make sure you stick to it - it's the ultimate in rudeness to let a repayment slip because you forgot and bought something silly.  It's disrespectful to their kindness.

Even if the person insists 'just pay me back when you can', it's better for both of you that you have a repayment time, even if in the end you aren't able to go through with it.

Giving regular updates is also sometimes a good thing.

If you can't repay on time, make sure you have excellent reasons, and be very honest about why.  Be prepared for their reaction and try to remain professional and thankful that they made you the loan in the first place.

If they decide they don't want to go through with it, don't be rude.

It can happen sometimes that the person you approached has financial problems of their own, is having a bad day, or simply doesn't see your need as clearly as you do.

This is a very difficult subject and it's often poisonous to friendships and families.  The modern equivalent is Carrie borrowing money from Charlotte on Sex & The City, an episode fraught with so much emotional tension that it must have caused pain to anybody in the same situation.

You can only do so much to convince them.  If the attempt fails, just let it go.  Don't keep trying - even if they're renowned for changing their minds impulsively, they might not be the best person to borrow money from.

Keep your request quiet - don't ask advice from other people who aren't necessarily involved or have other motives - and if they simply don't want to, or are demanding conditions you regard as unreasonable, back out as simply and as politely as you can.

Don't be cold to them or talk about their stinginess to others.  This was a private issue and your energy is better spent looking for other options.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Manners